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Exes, Stop Texting Us

Don’t try to crawl back, we know what you want

BY Patience Emine

Apr 23, 2021, 09:29 AM

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For some strange reason, Coronavirus has started affecting people’s brains. Why would an ex text you out of the blues? Or just a random dude who has never been aware of your existence? Why?

The other day, I was chilling at home thinking about how different things would be, if I had said hi to my crush. He definitely looked like the Duke of Hastings, no doubt about that. Everything about him, even the way he walked seemed to excite me. I imagined our first date, his hand in mine, him looking into my eyes when my ex texted. All of a sudden, the room went cold and I started shivering. 

“I miss you, with everything that’s going on, I hope you are okay.” read his text. I didn’t have his number, but it’s one of those numbers I had memorized. You know, in case something happens cause it always does. 

Here are some reasons why he will bothering you with those texts:

He wants your cookie

If you read that well, it means, I miss your cookie. Before you say ladies love jumping to conclusions, ask yourself if you are the one who dated him. Now, see who knows him better? I didn’t reply to the text because I didn’t want any drama. 

Dude, it’s been like 2 years since we talked. Since when did you start caring about me? You treated me like I was nothing when we were together, so why do you want to get yourself dirty? What has changed? I swear, if there’s something else that’s dangerous right now save for Covid-19, it has to be toxic exes and those you were entangled with. Those people can be the death of you.

The 'I miss you' line

Guys, it's time you leveled up. The 'I miss you' line stopped working ages ago if it at all worked in the first place. We know you don’t care at all. Go back to where you crawled out of, back to the girls you were messing with, and leave us alone. I’d rather get run over by a truck than go back to a relationship where I begged for someone’s love and attention. 

Guys, we also don’t want to come to your place. What’s so special about them? And why do you keep bothering us to do so, despite us saying no? Will I die if I don’t come, to your house? Will it cure my allergies? Will, it put food on my table? If the answer to all the questions is no, then slowly whisper, I am not wanted here.

Surely, if you just want to get laid, be candid about it, instead of beating around the bush. You might not get it, but it’s worth the try, right? It’s a good time for guys who loathe taking women out on dates. Dudes be like ‘with the corona, it’s better to be safe and chill indoors. But we all know what this means. You stingy, unromantic, pathetic loser may the God of Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego have mercy on you.

The lame excuse 'Let's quarantine together'

And what pisses me the most, is the lines guys use just to get laid. “Can I quarantine with you?” No, you cannot. I am social distancing from you and your toxic, desperate boring ass. Seriously guys are you that horny? 

The worst line someone used on me is when they asked me to go check their new house. And I was like, are you for real? That’s all you’ve got. Is it the house you want me to check or is it your balls you want to be licked? I wasn’t even annoyed by the lame excuse he used, I was annoyed because of how stupid the dude took me for.

Look, I know I was stupid that’s why I fell for you, but I’m not letting you burn me twice. All in the name of what? A penis? Oh please, gimme a break. If it's not in the name of oxygen, then I can do without it. And again why would I come, yet you want nothing to do with me. After I leave, you’ll take five months to text back again. I’m not going to stoop that low for you, I want what makes me happy. If it’s going to bring me tears, then it's not for me.

To all the exes and those guys who messed us up because they didn’t know what they wanted, tell you what? We have grown. We know better and we won’t let you mess with our hearts, mind, and body again. So no matter how desperate you are, don’t hit us up, we know what you want. We don’t miss you or want you back. We are damn old for that.